Mrs Nice Lady wants everyone to be happy and makes it a personal challenge when it doesn’t happen. In particular, Mrs Nice Lady says things she thinks people want to hear. This can include:

• saying “nice” things,
• giving half the answer or
• even giving no answer at all

in case it upsets them, in case she gets into trouble or in case it becomes her responsibility to fix it. Mrs Nice Lady doesn’t lie or exaggerate; she is too nice for that.

The truth is she does lie and sometimes she exaggerates. She doesn’t do it out of spite or malice or to hurt, but she does do it. And sometimes it can sound spiteful, sometimes when it sneaks out it can sound malicious and, even without meaning to, it can hurt. It can change the course of action that needs to be taken, especially if all the facts aren’t there. Telling the truth may hurt but not telling the truth can too.

Taking the safe option isn’t always the best option.

I could list some of the ways:

• lying (e.g. white lies)
• exaggerating (e.g. I had THE WORST DAY EVER today) and
• embellishing (e.g. oh, you should have seen everything I did…)

but the truth is, despite wanting to be helpful, Mrs Nice Lady can sometimes do more harm than good. I do not like who I become when I am Mrs Nice Lady. Trying to please and not being able to bring out a side of me I don’t like. I am drained of energy and it seems I can never do enough or be enough. I feel like I’m “performing”, doing my best to fix something that really may not need to be fixed or even fixing the wrong thing.

So, what to do with Mrs Nice Lady?

1. Welcome her and know that she means well.
2. Be gentle with her.
3. Tell her the truth, don’t lie or exaggerate to her.
4. Ask her how SHE is. If what she is doing is making her feel so crappy why is she doing it?
5. Then ask her what she needs to give herself that she is trying to get by being Mrs Nice Lady?

I know Mrs Nice Lady is my default way of being safe in the world. That’s when I lie, when I exaggerate; I will I do whatever I need to do to stay safe. Often to my detriment and that’s not even talking about what it can do to the situation or the people with whom I’m being Mrs Nice Lady.

It’s taken a long time to become aware of when Mrs Nice Lady visits. I recognize her now and I am learning to thank her for showing up. I’m beginning to understand what she is telling me – it’s okay to be real and I am safe; there is no need to lie or exaggerate. I can be truthful (gently, caring) and I can take appropriate action based on the truth of what I need, not on what I think others need.

My project was a roaring success and I’m at a loose end. The question is not “who can I help?” The question is “what would I love to create next?”

Who shows up to sabotage your good efforts? Contact me if you’re ready to find a better way of being in the world.